Their kicker is up to speed on who has it and how bad? Sure must suck to be him.
Zac
· 1 year ago
Whenever I need a lift, I go to my favorite health club: The International House of Pancakes. Anyone can feel good at the International House of Pancakes, because you'll always find someone else there who'll weigh 300 lbs more than you'll ever weigh.
Recently, I was there, when from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life! She said, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go - "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," a degree-granting institution.
What ever you do! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. But there's a reason. You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works.
So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, "WHAT THE F...CK ARE YOU TALK'N ABOUT?!" then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brain functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. So, we get it. All right? Move on. But every so often, something like that happens: "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse..."
So then your brain goes, "LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!" I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she, no, she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE F...CK?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.
Of course, the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. So today, I'm sitting at my least favorite place, MY JOB!!! I decide it's time to read some of today's headlines. Naturally, I hop on my computer and sign onto my favorite news site, FANBLOGS. I don't care what Trev Alberts says; there's none better. And I read, "25% of USC players have jock itch." I'm thinking, we're within 2 weeks of the opening day for college football, and this is the best news there is.
Of course, I had to open and actually read this article. And I find, conditions have gotten so bad, some USC players actually had to sit out of practice. (I can imagine this, having once gone through it myself. At the time I was thinking root-canal work wouldn't be such a bad idea.) Of course somebody couldn't let it go at that. Somebody, apparently, just had to ask that age old question, "How does it feel?" To which USC WR receiver, Travon Patterson, answered in explicit detail, "It burns". I mean, what can you expect him to say? He has a sports scolarship. He's not attending USC to studdy Genetics. He has other talents. He doesn't need to depend on his horse. If he had any imagination beyond football, he might have said, "Like Nancy Kerrigan about to go into the 15th round against Tanya Harding."
I knew in that moment, I could not be anymore enlightened; that, or the following day I'd be found dead in my bathroom. Fortunately for me, I had a spoon in my hand, which I immediately shoved up my a$$. You may wonder why I would stoop to such drastic measures. It was to distract me from the pain in my head!!!
(Given most of this would be his, I can only hope Lewis Black would be proud. By the way, Kev, to heck with Gold Bond or Lotrimin. Nothing will dry it up faster than good ole Lithium Carbonate. Always trust a Chemist.)
Kevin @ Fanblogs
· 1 year ago
Horse... college... brain.... (((boom)))
OU_Ron
· 1 year ago
Far Out : -)
1Tomcat
· 1 year ago
Zac Our local paper had the County Commissioners court hearing-front page The Commissioner asks the Chief Deputy why the Sheriffs Dept requested four pickup trucks as replacement vehicles, because cars get better gas milage than trucks. The Chief Deputy reponded "we cant navagate alot of the county roads with cars." HELLO as Lewis Black would say Mr Commissioner Fix The F---ing roads. Its pretty bad if county Law enforcement cannot navagate county roads. Public hearing-front page-who's in charge of fixing the roads- the Commissioner.They're too busy counting beans and ruling with authority-until it slaps them in the face. Na will just raise property taxes and build more jails to feed more imates- $280,260 -food and 115,000 for inmates sevices and 85,000 for inmate medication-ya that will work, The unit road budjet was reduced and request for two road worker positions was removed from the budget. BTW The sherrif got a raise, now he can ride his new pickup on the bad roads. I laughed outloud and highlighted the deputies reponse on the front page. As far as jock itch goes, spray icey hot in their jocks, if your an underclassman you could get your shot as a replacement. USC couldnt happen to a better bunch of guys
jake
· 1 year ago
Zac, you had me laughing out loud at my office. Well done.
I can relate. My fiance who is extremely book smart (in fact, just received a full scholarship to law school), but sometimes lacks common sense, often has those "horse . . . college" moments. For example, we were watching "Glory Road" about a year ago, and she turns to me and asks: "Is their mascot (the Texas Western Miners) . . . like . . . the under-eighteen-ers (like minors)?" The school is in Texas! My brain began to hurt.
Or last night we were shopping for a new washer/dryer. She looks at one and says "Is this one with the "H" (http://www.philacares.com/images/Logos/GE_large...) a good brand?" I pause, slowly digest those words, and reply "That's General Electric."
Ben Prather
· 1 year ago
Ok, This is not as bad as a uniform fashion thread...
If the equipment manager isn't smart enough to use antibacterial detergent once in a while, he needs to be let go!
OU_Ron
· 1 year ago
Oh, how could I forget, " A painful fix for Jock Itch " Location--Henry Hudson's Pub, Oklahoma City I don't think that guy is in jail, yet !!!!
1st_and_NOLE
· 1 year ago
I've heard Paris Hilton was on campus. They may be related.
grcunning
· 1 year ago
Deleted - I was about to say something really, really stupid
Tom_Blogical
· 1 year ago
Good thing Alberts had his "What the Blog" segment before this post, or Fanblogs may have slipped out of the Top 25...
Tom_Blogical
· 1 year ago
Oops...forgot:
(:-D)
War_Eagle_Atlanta
· 1 year ago
You guys laugh all you want. I had it so bad 20 years ago this summer, it traveled half way down the inside of my thighs. I had to go to the doctor to get a prescription for Lotrimin, because the Cruex wasn't cutting it. It does burn, and turns your skin brown. It also rubs off on any fabric that comes into contact with it.
I had to walk around bow-legged for a week until it subsided...
TigerEducated
· 1 year ago
War Eagle...You sure that wasn't owing more to a bad bout of John Wayne Toilet Paper? You know the kind I'm talking about...The sort've rolls you find in megastores you're gastroinestinal system's cursed you with the ultimate indignity of frequenting "the facilities" of?
You walk in, and the toilet tissue is about 2 microns thin (of course no more than three sections remain on the solitary role in your stall), and the abrasiveness in your hand is somewhat akin to 10 grade sandpaper?
Or, to more simply describe it, using the John Wayne description from above: Rough, tough, and won't take shit off of anyone...
Seriously...You say this stuff was brown and went down your leg? Methinks it might've been Numero Dos issues moreso than the Crotchrottage...
gatorhippy
· 1 year ago
And that, sir, is the precise reason I keep a couple rolls of Charmin Double Ply with Aloe and Vitamin E in the cargo box...
War_Eagle_Atlanta
· 1 year ago
I'm no doctor, TE, but I think I know the difference between jock itch and raw ass...
Anyone else around here play sports in the southeast? You're bound to get one of the trifecta of jock itch, athlete's foot, or nail fungus in these hot, humid conditions. What are you guys treating me like a leper for? It's not like I picked up crabs from banging Paris Hilton...
I got this terminal case of jock itch while in basic training in San Antonio in June of that year. I had always gotten it before, but this time the OTC stuff didn't work. Kinda embarrasing to have to go see a doctor about a fungus between your legs...
It was very painful...But not as painful as the memories. Thanks for letting me share...
TigerEducated
· 1 year ago
We're all over the road on this thread like Cedric Benson...
gatorhippy
· 1 year ago
Way more info than needed, big guy...
TigerEducated
· 1 year ago
Whoa...My comments are waiting to be approved by a moderator? That's cool, I guess...
What I forgot to mention earlier was that LSU's team avoids these problems using a locally invented product called-get this-Boudreaux's Butt Paste...
I'm not making this up...You heard it right...Boudreaux's Butt Paste...
Invented by a local pharmacist, who promptly sold the recipe and sold out for a FAT profit, it has proven to be a wonderdrug not only for parents of small children with diaper rash (its intended use), but also with blue collar workers, not to mention our entire football team...
You got that right...We've been using it as far back as 2003...Marcus Spears may have been the first player to openly admit to using it...
Can't believe Joe McKnight didn't bring some from back home in South Louisiana...
Wait...That's right...What home? ;-)
gatorhippy
· 1 year ago
Maybe if they didn't share their underwear...
jake
· 1 year ago
Curiously, the Trojans should use . . . Trojans? Some of those diseases can spread and that one Song Girl they shared may have had the bug.
cdogg
· 1 year ago
TMI....
Lennie Collins
· 1 year ago
Maybe it's from all the annoucers "jocking" them over the last few years! For those who are unaware of street jargon "jocking" means jumping on the bandwagon!
TigerEducated
· 1 year ago
Hipster...Like Beyonce sings, you gotta let me Upgrade 'ya...
Use Charmin's new wet wipes dealios, dude...
I've been a fan of the wet wipes for a few years now...
They'll change your life...at least they changed mine...in the bathroom, at least...
I feel a million terrible puns and metaphors tugging at my sense of decency, here...and I'm struggling not to mention how this thread appears as if its really getting flushed down the toilet...
All Comments
Sure must suck to be him.
Recently, I was there, when from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life! She said, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go - "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," a degree-granting institution.
What ever you do! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. But there's a reason. You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works.
So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, "WHAT THE F...CK ARE YOU TALK'N ABOUT?!" then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brain functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. So, we get it. All right? Move on. But every so often, something like that happens: "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse..."
So then your brain goes, "LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!" I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she, no, she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE F...CK?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.
Of course, the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. So today, I'm sitting at my least favorite place, MY JOB!!! I decide it's time to read some of today's headlines. Naturally, I hop on my computer and sign onto my favorite news site, FANBLOGS. I don't care what Trev Alberts says; there's none better. And I read, "25% of USC players have jock itch." I'm thinking, we're within 2 weeks of the opening day for college football, and this is the best news there is.
Of course, I had to open and actually read this article. And I find, conditions have gotten so bad, some USC players actually had to sit out of practice. (I can imagine this, having once gone through it myself. At the time I was thinking root-canal work wouldn't be such a bad idea.) Of course somebody couldn't let it go at that. Somebody, apparently, just had to ask that age old question, "How does it feel?" To which USC WR receiver, Travon Patterson, answered in explicit detail, "It burns". I mean, what can you expect him to say? He has a sports scolarship. He's not attending USC to studdy Genetics. He has other talents. He doesn't need to depend on his horse. If he had any imagination beyond football, he might have said, "Like Nancy Kerrigan about to go into the 15th round against Tanya Harding."
I knew in that moment, I could not be anymore enlightened; that, or the following day I'd be found dead in my bathroom. Fortunately for me, I had a spoon in my hand, which I immediately shoved up my a$$. You may wonder why I would stoop to such drastic measures. It was to distract me from the pain in my head!!!
(Given most of this would be his, I can only hope Lewis Black would be proud. By the way, Kev, to heck with Gold Bond or Lotrimin. Nothing will dry it up faster than good ole Lithium Carbonate. Always trust a Chemist.)
The Commissioner asks the Chief Deputy why the Sheriffs Dept requested four pickup trucks as replacement vehicles, because cars get better gas milage than trucks. The Chief Deputy reponded "we cant navagate alot of the county roads with cars." HELLO as Lewis Black would say Mr Commissioner Fix The F---ing roads. Its pretty bad if county Law enforcement cannot navagate county roads. Public hearing-front page-who's in charge of fixing the roads- the Commissioner.They're too busy counting beans and ruling with authority-until it slaps them in the face. Na will just raise property taxes and build more jails to feed more imates- $280,260 -food and 115,000 for inmates sevices and 85,000 for inmate medication-ya that will work, The unit road budjet was reduced and request for two road worker positions was removed from the budget. BTW The sherrif got a raise, now he can ride his new pickup on the bad roads.
I laughed outloud and highlighted the deputies reponse on the front page.
As far as jock itch goes, spray icey hot in their jocks, if your an underclassman you could get your shot as a replacement. USC couldnt happen to a better bunch of guys
I can relate. My fiance who is extremely book smart (in fact, just received a full scholarship to law school), but sometimes lacks common sense, often has those "horse . . . college" moments. For example, we were watching "Glory Road" about a year ago, and she turns to me and asks: "Is their mascot (the Texas Western Miners) . . . like . . . the under-eighteen-ers (like minors)?" The school is in Texas! My brain began to hurt.
Or last night we were shopping for a new washer/dryer. She looks at one and says "Is this one with the "H" (http://www.philacares.com/images/Logos/GE_large...) a good brand?" I pause, slowly digest those words, and reply "That's General Electric."
If the equipment manager isn't smart enough to use antibacterial detergent once in a while, he needs to be let go!
Location--Henry Hudson's Pub, Oklahoma City
I don't think that guy is in jail, yet !!!!
(:-D)
I had to walk around bow-legged for a week until it subsided...
You walk in, and the toilet tissue is about 2 microns thin (of course no more than three sections remain on the solitary role in your stall), and the abrasiveness in your hand is somewhat akin to 10 grade sandpaper?
Or, to more simply describe it, using the John Wayne description from above: Rough, tough, and won't take shit off of anyone...
Seriously...You say this stuff was brown and went down your leg? Methinks it might've been Numero Dos issues moreso than the Crotchrottage...
Anyone else around here play sports in the southeast? You're bound to get one of the trifecta of jock itch, athlete's foot, or nail fungus in these hot, humid conditions. What are you guys treating me like a leper for? It's not like I picked up crabs from banging Paris Hilton...
I got this terminal case of jock itch while in basic training in San Antonio in June of that year. I had always gotten it before, but this time the OTC stuff didn't work. Kinda embarrasing to have to go see a doctor about a fungus between your legs...
It was very painful...But not as painful as the memories. Thanks for letting me share...
What I forgot to mention earlier was that LSU's team avoids these problems using a locally invented product called-get this-Boudreaux's Butt Paste...
I'm not making this up...You heard it right...Boudreaux's Butt Paste...
Invented by a local pharmacist, who promptly sold the recipe and sold out for a FAT profit, it has proven to be a wonderdrug not only for parents of small children with diaper rash (its intended use), but also with blue collar workers, not to mention our entire football team...
You got that right...We've been using it as far back as 2003...Marcus Spears may have been the first player to openly admit to using it...
Can't believe Joe McKnight didn't bring some from back home in South Louisiana...
Wait...That's right...What home? ;-)
Use Charmin's new wet wipes dealios, dude...
I've been a fan of the wet wipes for a few years now...
They'll change your life...at least they changed mine...in the bathroom, at least...
I feel a million terrible puns and metaphors tugging at my sense of decency, here...and I'm struggling not to mention how this thread appears as if its really getting flushed down the toilet...
Okay, that's it...I PROMISE...